Emma x Rohan
SEMI-FORMAL REWRITE
What is the very essence which binds us humans together? What is the force which draws certain people together into social groups? What are the reasons and motivations behind people working together, studying together, praying together, and simply living together? This external force which naturally draws people closer, is the mutual agreement and belief in something that connects them all together. But sometimes, we want someone else to believe in and agree with what we consider to be right. Using the art of persuasion is a key element in order to get what we want in life. Persuasion is something we do almost on a daily basis: bargain in stores, provide an excuse for absence, or convince the boss to give a raise. Marvin Dotiyal attempted to persuade his readers to agree with his perspective on the guiltiness and motives behind the actions of the characters of In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. Dotiyal failed to persuade his points about the innocents of Herb Clutter and the guiltiness of Richard ‘Dick’ Hickock, and Perry Smith.
FORMAL COMPARE AND CONTRAST ESSAY
“Nothing is ever perfect. It can always be revised, added onto, improved. No matter how good it is, there will always be something that can be changed or fixed.” Harsh, yet completely true words. This is true with writing, singing, cleaning, homework, even ourselves. This is what true learning is. But perhaps that's not the whole definition of what true learning is. True learning is community. Learning from friends and family, supporting each other, building off others ideas. That is how our society and culture has risen up. We take the ideas of others, polish them up, add on to them, revise them, and then hand the improved idea onto another to make it even better. “Learning from others”, the backbone of society. This is what we have been learning in Literature.
To try, to fail, to learn, to improve, to grow, to succeed. To help each other. I will be learning from and refining the excellent, exemplary essay “The Way of Persuasion” by Rohan Khemlani.
It was very hard to find many faults with this essay when I read it over. One of the only problems I found was the over complication of words and sentences. While some people think that complicated language structures are necessary criteria for excellent writing, I believe a more simple style of writing is better; easier to read and comprehend. It is thought that the more complicated the words and sentences are the better the writing is, but like someone once said to me, the simpler it is, the easier it is to read and comprehend.
To over complicate will cause the audience to lose focus or interest. One place we see this in Rohan’s essay is in the very first sentence. “What is the quintessence binds us humans in social groups?” (Khemlani). Right away, the word "quintessence" stood out to me. When I read it, I realized that even I, a native English speaking 11th grader, only vaguely knew what this word meant. To use vocabulary such as this early on will narrow the audience right away before they have even sampled having even gotten to the main part of the essay. Another example of over complication is shown in the thesis of the essay. “I will attempt to prove my perspective on how Dotiyal has failed to persuade me that the characters of Herb Clutter, Richard ‘Dick’ Hickock, and Perry Smith, from In Cold Blood, written by Truman Capote, are guilty or innocent due to their motives.” (Khemlani). This sentence is so long that it pops the reader right out of the essay. A thesis should be succinct and clear, not long and rambling.
Although Rohan did use distractingly complicated, big words and sentences, I still believe that this is an exemplary essay. Rohan’s stunning writing was demonstrated in many places in his essay. I found myself marveling at the question he asked the readers at the beginning of his essay. “What is the reason that people work together, study together, pray together, and simply live together?” (Khemlani). Not only did this question make me think and wonder about all the things people do together that I take for granted, it also stood out to me because he then went on to answer his question, too. Usually when an essay starts with questions, they never are answered right away or even at all. Rohan answered them right away, something new for me to consider when comparing the many essays I have read. Another thing that stood out to me in his essay was the line: “Evidence is the backbone of persuasion.” (Khemlani). This made a huge impact on me. The image it creates is beautiful. He is comparing the elements of persuasion supported by a backbone of evidence, to a living creature supported by its skeleton and muscles. This says to me that without good, solid evidence, your attempts at persuasion will crumble.
The way Rohan asked and answered the question, and how he compared persuasion to a living organism were both very powerful.(a repeat) I believe one of the most powerful parts of his essay, though, was his conclusion. He restates his thesis well, along with re-explaining why he believes in his thesis. He beautifully draws the conclusion into a “bigger picture” or a “call to action”. He states where we can find persuasion and why we should utilize it in our everyday life.
Why do some books, movies or video games do not do very well? Because they do not completely understand their audience. Not only in academic persuasion, but in anything ranging from sports, where knowing the opposition is very beneficial, to a small thing like convincing your teacher why you did not do your homework, where knowing the teacher’s personality is crucial, understanding the other side is one of the keys to success. (Khemlani)
To analyse and refine work that I would deem exemplary already was a struggle for me. To revise work that wasn’t even my own was even harder. The different writing styles make it hard to judge what’s good and what could be changed. The first time I read his essay over, I thought it was impossible for me to revise, seeing nothing that could be. On a second inspection of the essay, I started to see a few things that could possibly be refined. The more I re-read it, the more I realized how much could actually be improved.
Doing this project “Learning From Others” has really made me open my eyes about communities and helping each other learn, and improve. I realize that learning keeps going; one person may stop learning with one piece, while another person can continue learning off of that same piece. I found this learning connected to art, too. You learn just as much from copying someone else's work and style than if you create your own because soon enough, that copying will slowly yet surely turn into your own original style.
To try, to fail, to learn, to improve, to grow, to succeed. To help each other. I will be learning from and refining the excellent, exemplary essay “The Way of Persuasion” by Rohan Khemlani.
It was very hard to find many faults with this essay when I read it over. One of the only problems I found was the over complication of words and sentences. While some people think that complicated language structures are necessary criteria for excellent writing, I believe a more simple style of writing is better; easier to read and comprehend. It is thought that the more complicated the words and sentences are the better the writing is, but like someone once said to me, the simpler it is, the easier it is to read and comprehend.
To over complicate will cause the audience to lose focus or interest. One place we see this in Rohan’s essay is in the very first sentence. “What is the quintessence binds us humans in social groups?” (Khemlani). Right away, the word "quintessence" stood out to me. When I read it, I realized that even I, a native English speaking 11th grader, only vaguely knew what this word meant. To use vocabulary such as this early on will narrow the audience right away before they have even sampled having even gotten to the main part of the essay. Another example of over complication is shown in the thesis of the essay. “I will attempt to prove my perspective on how Dotiyal has failed to persuade me that the characters of Herb Clutter, Richard ‘Dick’ Hickock, and Perry Smith, from In Cold Blood, written by Truman Capote, are guilty or innocent due to their motives.” (Khemlani). This sentence is so long that it pops the reader right out of the essay. A thesis should be succinct and clear, not long and rambling.
Although Rohan did use distractingly complicated, big words and sentences, I still believe that this is an exemplary essay. Rohan’s stunning writing was demonstrated in many places in his essay. I found myself marveling at the question he asked the readers at the beginning of his essay. “What is the reason that people work together, study together, pray together, and simply live together?” (Khemlani). Not only did this question make me think and wonder about all the things people do together that I take for granted, it also stood out to me because he then went on to answer his question, too. Usually when an essay starts with questions, they never are answered right away or even at all. Rohan answered them right away, something new for me to consider when comparing the many essays I have read. Another thing that stood out to me in his essay was the line: “Evidence is the backbone of persuasion.” (Khemlani). This made a huge impact on me. The image it creates is beautiful. He is comparing the elements of persuasion supported by a backbone of evidence, to a living creature supported by its skeleton and muscles. This says to me that without good, solid evidence, your attempts at persuasion will crumble.
The way Rohan asked and answered the question, and how he compared persuasion to a living organism were both very powerful.(a repeat) I believe one of the most powerful parts of his essay, though, was his conclusion. He restates his thesis well, along with re-explaining why he believes in his thesis. He beautifully draws the conclusion into a “bigger picture” or a “call to action”. He states where we can find persuasion and why we should utilize it in our everyday life.
Why do some books, movies or video games do not do very well? Because they do not completely understand their audience. Not only in academic persuasion, but in anything ranging from sports, where knowing the opposition is very beneficial, to a small thing like convincing your teacher why you did not do your homework, where knowing the teacher’s personality is crucial, understanding the other side is one of the keys to success. (Khemlani)
To analyse and refine work that I would deem exemplary already was a struggle for me. To revise work that wasn’t even my own was even harder. The different writing styles make it hard to judge what’s good and what could be changed. The first time I read his essay over, I thought it was impossible for me to revise, seeing nothing that could be. On a second inspection of the essay, I started to see a few things that could possibly be refined. The more I re-read it, the more I realized how much could actually be improved.
Doing this project “Learning From Others” has really made me open my eyes about communities and helping each other learn, and improve. I realize that learning keeps going; one person may stop learning with one piece, while another person can continue learning off of that same piece. I found this learning connected to art, too. You learn just as much from copying someone else's work and style than if you create your own because soon enough, that copying will slowly yet surely turn into your own original style.